Those of us who live with chronic pain are all too familiar with the five stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her groundbreaking work \u201cOn Death and Dying.\u201d The loved one we grieve for, however, is not another person; rather it is a part of ourselves. We suffer our own losses as chronic pain robs us of the life we once knew. Many of us have been forced to abandon careers, lost friendships, and even ended marriages and given up homes as pain forces us to modify our activities and changes our relationships.<\/p>\n
Not everyone goes through every stage of grief. Some people spend little time on a particular stage and get stuck on another stage. Many of us make it through after a difficult journey, only to fall back to a previous stage after a setback. We learn to follow where life leads us.<\/p>\n
The first stage: denial<\/strong><\/p>\n Our first response to living with chronic pain is to deny it. Whether it\u2019s been six weeks or six years, we may deny that the pain will continue. \u201cThis isn\u2019t happening to me\u201d is a common thought. The emotions become frozen, and we may just go through the motions of living. It is difficult to cope with the pain because we do not acknowledge that it is an ongoing problem.<\/p>\n Like all the stages, this one can take a long time to get through. Denial can help cushion the emotions from the shock of hearing our diagnosis until we are better equipped to deal with it. Repeating the diagnosis (or the symptoms), studying the facts of the disease or condition, and talking with others with similar problems may help us gradually come to the realization that the pain is a part of our life.<\/p>\n The second stage: anger<\/strong><\/p>\n Why did this have to happen to me? We may feel angry at the injustice of being the one with pain. Anger may be directed at others who do not have chronic pain or who do not understand its effects on us. If the pain is the result of an accident, we may be angry at the cause of the incident or the person who was responsible. Anger and envy can erupt as we watch others do the things we used to be able to do. We become frustrated that the pain continues month after month.<\/p>\n Anger is normal and good in that it helps push us through our journey to self-realization. What we do with the anger, however, is the key to our emotional health. Venting our anger by attacking others will only serve to damage relationships that may be vital to us. If we try to suppress the anger, we will end up damaging ourselves. We need to let the anger out by being honest about our feelings. Sharing thoughts and feelings with a support group or a sympathetic listener is the best way to get through this stage.<\/p>\n The third stage: bargaining<\/strong><\/p>\n The \u201cif onlys\u201d have a way of taking over life if we let them. If only I didn\u2019t have pain, I would \u2026. If only there was a cure, I could \u2026 (fill in the blanks). Bargaining with God, with ourselves, and with our doctors is another normal stop along the way to acceptance. The only problem is that it doesn\u2019t work. At some point, if we are to continue, we have to put the \u201cif onlys\u201d aside and acknowledge what is rather than what could have been.<\/p>\n Depression: the fourth stage<\/strong><\/p>\n Depression, sadness, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, and self-pity have a way of creeping into our lives. Almost everyone who lives with chronic pain experiences these feelings. Medical intervention may be needed to overcome depression, especially when it persists for more than two weeks. Medication and psychotherapy can help a depressed person get back on track. For those with less severe depression, other techniques\u2014such as crying and talking\u2014may help chase the blues away. Crying is a tool the body uses to allow us to heal our bruised and battered emotions. Talking about our losses to understanding friends, loved ones, or spiritual advisers is another way of coping and helping ourselves.<\/p>\n Acceptance: the fifth stage<\/strong><\/p>\n Finally comes acceptance. There is a fine line between giving up hope and accepting our condition. We don\u2019t have to give up on our vision of a cure someday. But we do accept that our life, right now, involves pain and limitations. Once we accept that, we can get on with our lives and turn our efforts toward achieving our own personal goals. Says Nancy, a member of our chronic pain support group, \u201cLupus lives with me; I don\u2019t live with lupus.\u201d She accepts the limitations that lupus has put on her ability to do certain things, but she also does whatever she can to make the most of the life she does have. That includes volunteering for several organizations and putting on makeup to hide the pain on her worst days.<\/p>\n When we finally accept that the pain is not going away, we can plan strategies to make the most or our lives.<\/p>\n Sharon Michaud, a licensed social worker and a trained hospice volunteer, offers the following coping skills to help on the journey toward acceptance:<\/p>\n By Susan Dudley Gold. This article is based on a talk by Sharon Michaud, LSW, in 2007 to the Chronic Pain Support Group and on discussions by group members on the topic. The group, now facilitated by Ernest Merritt III, has been meeting since 1993 and now operates virtually via Zoom. FMI: www.painsupportgroup.org.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Those of us who live with chronic pain are all too familiar with the five stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her groundbreaking work \u201cOn Death and Dying.\u201d The loved one we grieve for, however, is not another Continue reading What does grief have to do with chronic pain?<\/span>\n